Dear readers, tonight with us is a man known by many — usually unflattering — nicknames. He’s here to tell us about trading mystical goods and services, about meeting mermaids in San Francisco, Midwestern leprechauns, Icelandic dwarves and the girl of his dreams, who happens to be a cultist.
Tell us a little about where you grew up. What was it like there?
I was born right here in the U.S. I had friends who would tease me and call our house a mansion, but it wasn’t really. No servants or anything like that. We’d traveled for vacations, which was always fun, and helped prepare me for all the travelling I ended up doing. My dad was always getting my sister and me ready to work for the family business. Looking back, I’d say I really “grew up” during my adventures after my 23rd birthday, which is where the book I wrote begins.
Did you have any favourite toys as a child? Any cherished memories?
I always loved Transformers. I had a vintage “Soundwave”, he was the one that turned from a robot into a microcassette recorder and had the cassettes that also transformed! When I was eight, some nymphs who my dad was doing business with gave me a magic sword, but my parents took it away from me when they caught me cutting a boulder in two in our backyard. I was angry at the time, but they were totally right – that was no toy for an eight year old to be playing with. It’s like in that old Christmas Story movie when everyone is telling him he’s going shoot out his eye. “You’re going to chop off your own leg, kid” is what I’d say to an eight year old with a magic sword today.
What do you do now?
Busy setting up deals and trying to build my business. My expectation was that running my own shop would give me tons of freedom, but it’s just been putting out one fire after another. Just arranging the fair dealing guidelines with the demons has been almost impossible. Things with the dwarves have been going smoothly, but it’s obviously very time consuming. Financing the vampire hunters has probably been the easiest project, but smoothing over the strong personalities is a bit of a pain in the ass. I haven’t been having nightmares about the mermaids since we started dealing with one another over Zoom, so that’s been a big improvement with them.
What can you tell us about your latest adventure?
I saved reality as we know it and no one gives me the slightest bit of credit for it. I wasn’t expecting parades or anything, but my father was more proud about the deal with the dwarves. Your blog has been the first press I’ve gotten! No other interviews!!! It’s as bad as people ignoring information about the supernatural, except even supernatural beings themselves act awkward and change the subject whenever I bring up saving reality.
My big advice to anyone on a quest to save reality is: Do it. If reality needs saving, you gotta do it. But don’t expect any accolades at the end.Continue reading “The protagonist (of Merchant Magician, by John Champaign)”