The Adventures of JoJo SmithDear readers, tonight on the guest couch with me is someone who almost didn’t make it on time. JoJo Smith had an unplanned time travelling adventure, and is here to tell us all about the middle ages.

 

 

How did it feel to be transported through time?

It felt bloody terrifying. One moment I’m minding my own business, trying to get a lift home and next I’m on a different world. How would you feel? I was scared ****less. Lost doesn’t begin to describe it. The two jokers standing near weren’t at all reassuring either. I kept praying that it was all just a vivid dream, but unfortunately, it wasn’t.

What did you think of Medieval food?

To be honest, I can’t be considered a gourmet. As long as it’s hot and plentiful I’m usually satisfied. In Farrowmarsh they seemed to be big meat eaters and as I’m the same, I can’t say I was disappointed. I didn’t inquire where the meat came from, I just got stuck in every mealtime. I was more worried about hygiene than anything else. Luckily, even the lowest eating places served up clean food. Or maybe, I was just lucky? Many times I thought I was playing Russian roulette with salmonella, but you got to eat, don’t you? Anyway, I didn’t even get the shits. Imagine having the runs in a place without toilet paper!

What was the scariest thing about it?

How long do you want the list? Just about everything. The thought of being marooned there for the rest of my life threw me into panic. That was my greatest fear. Ironfist ran a close second. Just the thought of that huge psychopath set me trembling. The henchman probably took up 99% of my fear quota. The thought of needing a doctor didn’t do much for my peace of mind either. Forget about needing a dentist! I tried to block of the last two as much as possible, I had enough to worry about. The Princess frightened me too.

What was the best thing about it?

Apart beer or wine with every meal? I thought that was a very civilized custom. Definitely, the best thing was meeting Delia, the whorehouse madam. She was a wet dream come true! I have a thing about older women and she was all I could hope for. When I was with her I could forget about all my worries. She didn’t even charge me for her services! Seducing the Lady Yana was also a wonderful experience.

Did you learn any magic tricks from the wizard?

No. That arrogant bastard didn’t even acknowledge me half the time. He guarded his secrets jealously. He only taught Jodel, his apprentice, one drop at a time. I was hoping for a trick or two to impress the ladies when I got home, but that was a pipedream. Shadlow wasn’t that type of bloke. He was too serious and full of his own importance.

If you had the choice to go back and forth freely, would you?

No way Jose! Although I miss Delia and Riva became a good mate, I wouldn’t want to go back. I survived my stay there, Christ knows how, but I wouldn’t risk it again. I ain’t that brave.

What does the future hold for you?

I have no idea. I suppose I’ll sign on the dole and become professionally unemployed again. The people down the dole office can be a sharp-tongued lot, but at least they don’t carry edged weapons. Or maybe I’ll look around for someone who needs help mounting a revolution, now I’ve had experience in that. I could put it on my C.V.


Tony Leslie Duxbury can’t decide where to live, in London or Guatemala. You can find JoJo Smith’s adventures on the eponymous novel The Adventures of JoJo Smith

Next week on the guest couch with me will be an interstellar adventurer, who has seen some of the wonders of outer space. Please follow the site by email (bottom-right), via Twitter or like our Facebook page to be notified when the next interview is posted.

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