Dear readers, tonight with us is a live, fire-breathing dragon. He’s here to tell us about learning to fly and searching for treasure hoards, about meeting a prince in search of a princess, and about finding his heart’s desire in the most unexpected way.

Tell us a little about where you grew up. What was it like there?

I grew up in Wales. It’s a good life for a dragon. Lots of sheep, and people there are used to my kind. If you keep moving around and don’t take more than one sheep from each farm, they don’t get too upset. You can even pick up the odd job for farmers, burning off stubble after the harvest. They usually give you a sheep for that. It does rain a lot there, though. And I really, really hate rain.

Did you have any favourite toys as a child? Any cherished memories?

We don’t go in for toys much. I spent my infancy learning to hunt, like my siblings. There’s nothing so fun as swooping out of the sky to snatch up your prey. I like to buzz them a few times first, get them all terrified and rushing about in a panic. That gives the meat an extra spicy flavor.

One of my favourite memories is my first experience of flight. I couldn’t wait to fly, but Mother kept saying I was too young for it. But I jumped off the cliff anyway, and Mother was wrong! I was able to glide, well a bit, enough to land without hurting myself. Much. Anyway, that’s how I knew mothers don’t know everything.

What do you do now?

Well, I’m a dragon. I do what dragons do, mainly. Just recently, though, I’ve taken up with some humans. Now we’re all going on a journey together. Not quite sure how I got roped into this carrying people on my back lark. And baskets! Stupid humans. I just hope no other dragon ever finds out about it.

What can you tell us about your latest adventure?

I was minding my own business, searching for a treasure hoard, as you do. And I heard some men talking about a ransom being offered for a prince. That’s what started it all. I thought I’d collect the ransom and that would start me off collecting my own treasure hoard. It wasn’t as easy as it sounded though. Humans are tricky, you can’t trust them.

What did you first think when you met Lorn?

When I first met Lorn, I thought he was an idiot. I still think so, because he is one. Mind you, all humans are pretty stupid. And dirty. Always polluting streams with that filthy soap stuff. And look at the way they smell. But they’re cunning, there’s no denying that. Cunning as rats. Except Lorn. Lorn isn’t cunning, he’s just a fool.

What was the strangest thing in your adventures?

One thing I’ll never understand is the way humans go on about mating. So much emotion, so much drama. Why they don’t just mate with each other and get over it, I will never understand. Stupid humans.

What is the worst thing about living with humans? (Please edit)

They’re so delicate. They have to eat every day, even more than once every day. Then they have to eliminate so often too. You barely get in the air and they’re complaining that they have to go. And the stupid way they carry on about things. Not things that matter, like food, and treasure, and killing things, but stupid things. Mating mostly, and ‘true love’, whatever that is. Probably just something they made up to make themselves important. And all the rubbish they have to drag about with them. I’ve got baskets on my back. Baskets! As if there won’t be plenty of prey where we’re going. Honestly. Think long and hard before you take up with one. They’re an awful nuisance.

What is the best thing about it?

Well, I’ll deny this if you ever tell another dragon, but it’s kind of nice having what they call ‘friends’. It’s a comfortable sort of thing, taking care of people, and then they care about you. Mind, they’re still an awful nuisance. And stupid. And smelly.

Tell us a little about your friends.

Well, I suppose I have three friends now. Lorn, Kate and Hans. Lorn and Kate just mated with each other. There was a terrible great song and dance made about it. Humans are stupid anyway, but they’re extra stupid about mating. And then Hans. He’s the clever one. He’s the one who worked out the plan so that Lorn wouldn’t have to mate with the screeching, frilly human. He’s not coming on our journey, though.

Any romantic involvement?

Of course not. What am I, a stupid human? If I see a female who’s ready to mate, I’ll mate with her if I can. Then when she lays her eggs, I’ll bring her some food every few days until they hatch. You have to do that. Other than that though, once we’ve mated, I don’t want anything to do with her. It’s like, my work here is done, right? And you don’t want to hang around a female with eggs. They get nasty tempered.

Whom (or what) do you really hate?

If there’s one thing I really, really detest (other than rain), it’s that filthy soap stuff they insist on putting in the water every time we stop near a stream. I’ve learned always to go upstream from humans to get a drink.

There isn’t any person I hate. I don’t really know that many people. Just Mother and my siblings. And then some humans, but one doesn’t hate humans, they’re not dragaons, just a kind of animal. If I really didn’t like one, I suppose I’d eat him. I’ve often wondered what they taste like, anyway.

What does the future hold for you?

I still want to find Old Black Watkyn’s treasure, if it’s really true that he’s dead. And more treasure.And perhaps to see other lands, in fact that’s what we’re on our way to do now, Lorn says he has to take his new ‘bride’ on a tour around Bratislavia, because he’s a prince there. Stupid humans. They’re always making up rules about what they have to do and then whining because they have to do it.

Can you share a secret with us, which you’ve never told anyone else?

I could, I could tell you where I’ve stashed the beginnings of my own hoard. But then I’d have to kill you and eat you. Of course, as I said, I’ve always wondered what humans taste like…


Tabitha Ormiston-Smith has spent her life in the pursuit of a good laugh. This quest has taken her through financial reporting, Information Technology, the military, commercial recovery and degrees in Computer Science, Philosophy and Law. Still on the hunt, now Tabitha shares her kills with her readers.

You can find Maelogan on the pages of A Song of Milk and Fire.

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