Dear readers, tonight with us is a library assistant. She is here to talk about her policewoman friend investigating a plague of dead rats and finding something quite else.

Tell us a little about where you grew up. What was it like there?

Oh, I’ve always been a Dingo Flats girl. Same old. Out of the three of us, me and my two BFFs Sam and Shanna, only Sam left, to go to the Police Academy, and now she’s back too. It’s not a bad place for a Western suburb. There’s a big library, that’s where I work. And of course there’s the Vet Hospital. One pub and a nightclub, and a river runs along the edge of town, so it’s nice for picnics and that.

Did you have any favourite toys as a child? Any cherished memories?

Cherished memories, umm… yeah nah I reckon my best memory hasn’t happened yet, but one of the most fun things I’ve done was staking out that hot vet, Gordon Somerville. It was just like being a real detective. Sam was real cross about it – she reckons only cops should do that kinda stuff, but hey. It all worked out for the best. It was for her benefit, anyway. A good deed is its own reward, right?

What do you do now?

I work in the Dingo Flats library. It’s what I wanted to do. I stuck out school all the way to Year 12 to qualify for it. I mean, I was sooooo tempted to leave when Shanna did, she got an apprenticeship at Scissors ya know, and all of a sudden there she is working and earning money and that, and here’s me and Sam still kids at school having to ask our Dads for our pocket money. It was hard. But I made the sacrifice and I love my job. I get to read everything, and even better, I get to know what everyone else is reading. I mean, not many people would guess that Mrs Peabody reads hot steamy fireman porn, right?

What can you tell us about your latest adventure?

OMG. The last few months’ve been so epic. Sam came back, she got a posting at the nick back here, so it was wonderful just for a start, the three of us all together again. Me and Shanna had a ball giving her a makeover. Sam’s such a dag. ‘Makeup doesn’t go with the uniform,’ she reckons. OMG and you should hear her get started on drink driving. She’s always taking our keys off me and Shanna. But the most fun thing this year was when Sam investigated how all the dead rats kept appearing outside the shops down the main drag, and you won’t believe what she found out! It’s totally awesome!

What did you first think when you heard about the rats?

Ya know, when we first talked about those rats, I reckoned it was vampires. They reckoned in the paper it was like they had all their blood drained out, and it made sense, right? Sam wouldn’t have a bar of it, though. No such thing as vampires, she reckoned.

What was the scariest thing in your adventures?

OMG. Well I don’t get scared a real lot, but when Sam told me that Gordon Somerville complained to the police about me staking out his house and stalking him, and like it was a serious criminal offence and shit, yeah nah, I wasn’t a happy camper. It turned out okay though. Sam talked to him and he didn’t press charges. And she got to meet him, just like Shanna and I wanted! So it all worked out for the best.

What is the worst thing about living in Dingo Flats?

Ya know, the really worst thing about Dingo Flats is Mrs Peabody. I mean I can’t lie. She’s such a horrible old bitch. Shanna had to pick up some flowers from her shop, for a wedding, and she had a halter top on, and Mrs P just went apeshit yelling that she was a slut, and running around naked and shit. I mean jeez, it was like 38 degrees, get a life. I reckon the old bag isn’t too innocent herself, trying to hit on Sam’s dad the way she was. And reading alla those fireman books.

What is the best thing about it?

Awww. What can I say? The best thing about Dingo Flats is my two best mates, Sam and Shanna.

Tell us a little about your friends.

Well there’s Sam of course. Sam O’Neill. Sam’s a dag. Half the stuff she wears is menswear, when she’s not in her police uniform. She could be really pretty, but she just doesn’t give a stuff. She loves being a cop and she loves Jack, her dog, and her dad, and us of course. And maybe she might love Gordon Somerville, give it time eh? But none of that girly shit. She’s always been like it. Even at school, she was the last one to shave her legs.

Any romantic involvement?

*giggles* well that’d be telling, wouldn’t it?

Whom (or what) do you really hate?

OMG Mrs Peabody. I swear to God, I wish SHE was a vampire. I’d love to stake her and see her turn into a pile of sparkly dust. Then I’d vacuum her up.

What’s your favourite drink, colour, and relaxing pastime?

Favourite drink! That’s a hard one. See, I’m always inventing new drinks. I’m known for it. One of the best ones I reckon was the Effie Tsiragakis No-Drunk Martini. That’s a great drink, you can go all night on them. Then the Jack O’Neill, that’s a beautiful drink. The cream stops you from getting drunk, and there’s orange vitamins in the Cointreau, so it’s like, you know, a health drink. Sam reckons you still get drunk, though, and she took away our keys just like normal.

What does the future hold for you?

Well, you just never know, do you? I mean, look at this year! Who’d have ever thought those Murphys would turn out too be a bunch of – oops! Mustn’t tell!

Can you share a secret with us, which you’ve never told anyone else?

When Sam was in first year, she had this big, big crush on the head boy, Rick Briginshaw. She thinks we’ve forgotten that. I don’t say anything, cause I don’t wanna make her uncomfortable, you know? And he’s her boss now, and sounds like he’s pretty anal. Just as well it didn’t work out, eh? Things usually turn out for the best.

Tabitha Ormiston-Smith has spent her life in the pursuit of a good laugh. This quest has taken her through financial reporting, Information Technology, the military, commercial recovery and degrees in Computer Science, Philosophy and Law. Still on the hunt, now Tabitha shares her kills with her readers.

You can find Effie Tsiragakis on the pages of Bloodsucking Bogans.

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