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The Protagonist Speaks

Interviews with the characters of your favourite books

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Satire

Xander Portmanteau & Lyra Jones (of Cliche, by Allison Rose)

Dear readers, tonight with me are two characters that sprang out of their books to confront their authors. One, a handsome rogue, is the last chauvinist left in the feminist fantasy realm; the other is a space defender, struggling to be a strong female protagonist in books written by a pulp-fiction author.

They are here to tell us about their adventures.


Tell us a little about where you grew up. What was it like there?

Xander: My background is of little importance.

Lyra: *glares*

Xander: Oh, all right.

I was born in the village of Scrubbleypot, a three-day trek from the Landrian capital. My father was a knight in the old king’s royal guard, and died a warrior’s death on the battlefield, leaving behind his wife with child, a farm, and a cow. I was the child, and I had a miserable upbringing. My mother thought little of me because I reminded her of Father. I, in turn, think little of her.

Lyra: I was born on Terra in the year 5740. After years of rigorous training, I was inducted into the prestigious League of Space Defenders, a special force that protects the galaxy from alien threats.  In ’75, I and a team of seven other Space Huntsmen were dispatched to the Jerome Moon Outpost, in preparation of a future civilian colony.  Unfortunately, there was a … devastating incident on the base that left everyone but myself dead.  With our comms destroyed, I had no way to call home and report what had happened; instead, I’ve taken it on myself to identify the culprit and avenge my team.

Did you have any favourite toys as a child? Any cherished memories?

Xander: A great warrior does not require such … intricacies…. Actually, we were too poor to buy toys, and I hadn’t a father to carve gewgaws and baubles from fallen branches as the other lads did. I never did learn to carve my own, but perhaps I shall when I meet a woman worthy of bearing my children.

My most cherished memories are those of solitude. When I’d finish milking the cow and letting it out to pasture, I would run to the untamed forests surrounding our land and listen to the birdsong. It is possible to lose track of time in there, for it is always dark beneath the canopy of trees. Thus ends the cherishable portion of any such memories, for Mother detested when the cow got out from being left unattended.

Lyra: My favorite toys growing up were my model starcruisers and VR headset.  We all got them as space cadets for training simulations, but I figured out how to add a variety of entertaining games to my system….

What do you do now?

Lyra: I may have no contact with the League of Space Defenders, but I’m still a Space Huntress through and through.  I’d dreamed since childhood of going to space, colonizing the moon, and expanding our access to the world as much as I can.  I just hope I’ll make it back to Terra with my findings someday.

Xander: At this time, I am my own master. After a brief juncture in the Landrian army, I took up service as a rogue mercenary.  I serve whomever I please, but unlike many, I am still a man of great honor.  And alas, my heart belongs the fair ruler of Landria, Lady Jen Mondegreen. Continue reading “Xander Portmanteau & Lyra Jones (of Cliche, by Allison Rose)”

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Friedrich Nietzsche (of Operation Cosmic Teapot by Dylan Callens)

operation-cosmic-teapot-dylan-callensDear readers, tonight with us is one of history’s most famous philosophers – if the not the most famous of them all. He was a philosopher, cultural critic, poet, philologist, Latin, and Greek scholar whose work has exerted a profound influence on Western philosophy and modern intellectual history.

He’s here to tell us about his seminal work about religion and god – and what happened to him after death.

 


Tell us a little about where you grew up. What was it like there?

I grew up in a small German Village named Rocken with my family.  It was pleasant.  My Dad was kind of a hero in the village, being the pastor.  Then he suddenly died when I was six.  Six months after that, my little brother died.  I couldn’t understand what was happening to my family at the time, but it did seem to be a glimpse into the chaos that was life.

After that, we had to leave Rocken because the house was paid for by the church.  So, my mom took my sister and I to Naumberg.  We lived with two of my aunts and Grandma.  That is, until I was sent to boarding school.

Did you have any favourite toys as a child? Any cherished memories?

Toys?  Hahaha, who has time for toys?  My favorite items as a child were pens and paper.  I always knew that I would be an intellectual of some kind.

As for cherished memories, I suppose there is one that I would call ironic and amusing.  My baptismal prayer included a line from Luke 1 and asked the question, “What child is this?”  Of course, the answer that many people now know, is that I am the one who will question the validity of religion.  Later in my own writing you will see that I called myself the Antichrist.  But probably not in the way that you would normally think of antichrists.

What do you do now?

Currently I am the CEO for Heaven Inc.  I know, it’s an ironic job to hold, given my feelings on religion.  But my life really is filled with irony.  My job is to make sure that Heaven’s call center runs smoothly.  It hasn’t, though.  Continue reading “Friedrich Nietzsche (of Operation Cosmic Teapot by Dylan Callens)”

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