Dear readers, tonight we print a psychiatric assessment of the two protagonists from a novel we loved. With their job entailing rescuing the world from other-dimensional horrors on a weekly basis, it’s no wonder they need regular psych evals.
Assessor: What’s your name?
Morag: You don’t know my name?
Assessor: You’ve been through a traumatic incident. We want to assess your mental state. Just give us some details — name, where you’re from — that sort of thing.
Morag: They do this to you, Rod?
Rod: Oh, aye. Every time I go toe to toe with an unspeakable horror from another dimension.
Morag: [huffs] Fine. Morag Murray. I’m from Inverness, Scotland. I moved down to Birmingham at the beginning of this week. A promotion of sorts.
Assessor: Of sorts?
Morag: There were some problems in the Edinburgh office. I pissed off the wrong god. You know how you can sometimes say the wrong thing at the wrong time?
Assessor: A social faux pas.
Morag: Exactly, except this one involved a shotgun and the face of a demi-god. Both barrels.
Assessor: But you now work in the Birmingham office?
Morag: Correct. Birmingham consular mission to the Venislarn. You’ve got a city full of demons and faceless terrors, all under the surface. We’re just here to keep them happy and tucked out of sight.
Assessor: How has your first week on the job been?
Morag: [considers the state of her clothes] Well, I’m covered head to toe in a thick layer of chocolate. I wasn’t expecting that when I started the week.
Rod: You fight with a god in a chocolate factory, there’s gonna be some chocolate, right?
Morag: I see you survived the night without a delicious chocolate coating.
Rod: One of the first things they taught us in the SAS: how to avoid getting covered in chocolate.
Assessor: Your first week…?
Morag: Let’s see. Is this some sort of test to see if a fight with Zildrohar Cqulu has given me concussion? Er… I pretty much hit the ground running this week. That’s one of my key strengths. I can adapt to new situations quickly.
Rod: You mean you rush in without thinking about things.
Morag: Hey. I’m impulsive. But that can be a good thing.
Rod: Oh, aye. If you hadn’t flung yourself in, we’d never have caught that Kervy Aldo character.
Rod: Right. Kermit Ascot.
Rod: As I said…
Assessor: Who is Kerfin Edsel?
Rod: Curtain Aswad.
Morag: Kerrphwign-Azhal. A god. A little one. A godling.
Rod: A giant vampiric starfish. We chased him halfway across the city. He eats virgins’ hearts and was feeling peckish.Continue reading “Morag Murray and Rod Campbell (of Oddjobs, by Heide Goody and Iain Grant)”