The Protagonist Speaks

Dear readers, tonight we bring you an alternative view point — that of the antagonist. He brings us a unique perspective on the world of stand-up comedy, and that of shapeshifting cryptids and catastrophes, and carpet warehouses that make for a witty supernatural thriller.

Tell us a little about where you grew up. What was it like there?

Born and brought up in the Thames Valley in southern England. I shan’t name the town, or I might turn this whole interview into a screed of hate for growing up in a small town when the big city is right on the horizon and you yearn for it but you’re too young.

Did you have any favourite toys as a child? Any cherished memories?

I had a ton of toys. In fairness, my folks were pretty decent; my dad had a good job at Heathrow Airport, my mum didn’t have to work, no brothers or sisters so I got all the attention. I’ve always liked attention. Whether that’s because my parents gave me so much, or whether my parents gave me so much because I craved it, I honestly don’t know. Anyway, I got into acting as a teen, and won a scholarship to drama school, which with my folks’ money was just enough to let me attend. Sadly, I soon found out that most actors and most people in entertainment are massive jerks, and often bent to boot.

Bent?

In every sense of the word. Don’t play the innocent! You know what I mean, mate.

I suppose I do. What do you do now?

You know that too, but I guess I’d better go into detail. I run TheStagedoorJohnny.com – the nonpareil website for British show biz gossip. When I finished drama school I knew I could never be a performer myself, but I’d made a good many contacts and I figured I could use them. And that’s what I’ve been doing all my adult life. Along with ancillary stuff like articles for the red-top tabloids, the odd hasty show biz biography, that kind of thing.

What can you tell us about your latest adventure?

I always have plenty of irons in the fire, but I guess you want to know what I’m prying into right now. Well, you know Jemima Charfield? The fat comedian, who was married to Chaz Singleton out of the Omega Mice? Yeah, her. She bust up with her manager pretty spectacularly not long ago. In public; Jemima’s as bad as Chaz for making public scenes. Her manager, Eddie, isn’t the kind to forgive, or give mercy fucks, but all of a sudden they’re best buddies again, and something stinks to high heaven. I want to know what’s going on, there. I’m convinced there’s a story for my site to be unearthed; a big story.