The Protagonist Speaks

Dear readers, tonight we bring you a reality show from an alternate reality, one where the human home world comes together under a constitution based on the Iroquois Federation. Our guest is here to speak about interplanetary conflicts, as a race of alien shapeshifters is intent on using people as a food source.

Welcome to the season premiere of Lalololalo’s Celebrity Show. Over the past forty years, you’ve known me as the gossip master who interviewed wallscreen actors, hologram designers, pressure tournament champions, and the like. Well, today, I’m the luckiest woman on the planet Valchondria, because the Top Maintainer herself is my special guest, Admiral Nil! Tell us a little about yourself, Admiral.

As you mentioned, I am Admiral Nil. As the commander of the Maintainers, I keep the world safe.

How would you describe the Maintainers to people who don’t know?

That’s a disturbing thought. We are a combination of military and police on the human home world, Valchondria. We guide Valchondrians in their daily lives, to keep them safe from disrupters and heavy hazard thoughts.

Did you have any favorite toys as a child? Any cherished memories?

I had many toys, and I organized them in my room according to size and cuteness. Larger was always cuter. That was before the time when everyone regained the ability to see in color, but I imagine the largest toy was more brown than the gray shade I saw. It was a hiliate, a huge crustacean that our Valchondrian ancestors kept as pets and a mode of transportation.

My parents knew that I displayed the superior genetic code of someone who could attend one of the elite academies that train the Maintainers. They even knew, somehow, I would one day lead the Maintainers. I talked of little else, though I eventually found a boyfriend and told him we would become married one day. My spouse is very ill now, and our son is the only comfort in my life. No, my job is the truest comfort, but I do love my spouse and my son. They are treasures.

What can you tell us about your latest adventure?

While we’re facing a deadly outbreak of influenza, a spaceship is on a trajectory to Valchondria. As your audience hopefully knows, we outlawed contact with anyone outside our atmosphere years ago, because one of our ships of colonists encountered a hostile alien race called the Naadloosh, while our other ship of colonists became so entangled in an ancient religion that they named their colony planet after their supposed holy book, Degranon.

I’m admittedly concerned about the ship that’s approaching. The Naadloosh never found Valchondria. We have a planetary defense system, but aside from the occasional meteor, we have never had a situation that tested its effectiveness. I don’t want to find out how well it can defend us. The Naadloosh slaughtered the colonists immediately. They were just waiting for a chance to attack someone and kill them. We’ve never understood why. It was something about their territory, their area of space. They’re a savage species that only bring death. I shudder at the thought of them finding us.