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The Protagonist Speaks

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Dom-ma (of The Mud Man, by Donna Marie West)

Dear readers, tonight with us is a man from pre-history, frozen for the past ten millennia and now revived. He’s here to tell us about life back then, and about being forced to learn about our modern world.

Tell us a little about where you grew up. What was it like there?

I grew up with my people in the north of what you now call British Columbia. We spent winters near the ocean and summers in a mountain valley inland. It was a peaceful childhood surrounded by family. Then I became a man and had my own family. To be honest, I lost my father and most of my first family—my woman Roo, four children—when a big sickness swept through my village. People became covered with red spots and grew weak until they died. I was not even sick! Much later, I left my people and while I was alone I was attacked by a bear. I almost died then, but I was found by hunters from another tribe and healed by a young woman. She later became my woman and I began my second family.

Did you have any favourite toys as a child? Any cherished memories?

I do not remember having toys, but I always liked to draw and paint. I played with my brothers and sisters. We fished and collected plants for eating and medicine. My father taught me to hunt and make stone tools. My mother taught me how to make baskets, clothes, and string. How to make medicine from plants. When I was fifteen, I spent a month alone in the forest to become a man. I will never forget that special place and time. I left my mark in a small cave to say to others that I was there.

What do you do now?

Now? I am trying to survive in this world I do not know or understand. I spend my days in Doctor Walter’s hospital. Vee takes me outside to visit places in the city. Sometimes, she takes me to her place, where she has two cats. They are like the wild cats I know, but smaller and soft and friendly. They even have names—Rusty and Scout.

What can you tell us about your latest adventure?

To be honest, every day is an adventure, and not always a pleasant one. I woke up in a place called a hospital only to realize that everything and everyone I ever knew is gone. I am learning to speak the language called English. Learning everything all over—to sit and eat and dress and walk—as if I am a child.

Continue reading “Dom-ma (of The Mud Man, by Donna Marie West)” →
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Prof Benjamin Dinerstein (of The Ibbur’s Tale, by Lenny Abelson)

Dear readers, tonight we’re chatting with an English literature professor who encountered a most unusual ghost. Straight out of Eastern European Judaic mythology, it has led him on a journey of discovery and mysteries.

TPS: We were pleased to have the opportunity to speak with Professor Emeritus Benjamin Dinerstein about his experiences with an ibbur and the remarkable history the two of them uncovered. Professor, welcome!

BD: Thank you very much, and please call me Ben. It is a pleasure to meet you.

TPS: Likewise. Well, Ben, it is now more than twenty-two years since your encounter with the ibbur. Have you had any further contact either with her or Zephaniah, the mysterious old woman who played such a prominent role in the narrative?

BD: Sadly, I have not.

TPS: But you are quite certain that you actually encountered an ibbur, in this case, the ghost of your former student, Miriam?

BD: Excuse me. I hate to wax pedantic, but I must make a quick correction. An ibbur is not to be confused with a ghost. It is a very specific type of possessive spirit. Miriam came to me seeking my assistance. She had one last mitzvah, a good deed, to perform, and that was to finish her uncle’s quest. In fairness, she would surely have completed the task herself had she not been killed in the automobile accident. That said, I am absolutely certain that the entity I encountered was indeed Miriam.

TPS: I understand. In fact, I found the story quite convincing myself. Why, there’s so much history — not only her family’s saga, but European history, from before World War One through World War Two…

BD: … and, as you probably realized as quickly as I did, it all “fits.” As implausible as it might seem, these events took place almost exactly as Susanna, whom Miriam had planned to contact, described them.

TPS: I found Susanna absolutely fascinating. What remarkable strength she must have had!

BD: I got to know her quite well over the years, and she was a wonderful woman. She died just a few months ago, though not before she had seen five great-grandchildren.

TPS: But Naomi was her only child?

BD: Yes. It seems that irony ran rampant in that family. Michael Goldberg, Susanna’s husband, had had a bad case of mumps and was apparently unable to have children of his own. Similarly, Zephaniah told me that the man Yosef Müller believed was his father had also been rendered sterile by that disease. However, it seems as though everything fell into place nevertheless, didn’t it?

TPS: Indeed. Now, I must ask you something a little more personal. You have long described yourself as a skeptic, yet you seem so willing to accept an encounter with a purported ibbur without any reservations. Did you step out of character? Did you make an exception because of your feelings toward Miriam, your former student?

BD: Not at all! Like the ancient Greek skeptics, I tend to withhold assent, at least initially. Thereafter, I reserve judgment until I have gathered sufficient information. The image of Miriam convinced me that she was indeed my brilliant student, and the strange family saga that we unfolded was considerably more believable than the appearance of an ibbur. Everything made sense, except —

Continue reading “Prof Benjamin Dinerstein (of The Ibbur’s Tale, by Lenny Abelson)” →
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The Lightbender (of Safe Passage, by Karen Menezes)

Dear readers, tonight with us is the Lightbender, an illusionist who works as a healer. After days of wandering the border forest of Capherayna, he stumbled upon the Xaeltik community, an ancient tribe who are unable to defend themselves from the dark forces of the modern world. He is here to tell us about his adventures and struggles as he risks his life to save others.

Tell us about where you’re from. Urban or rural? Small town? What was life like?

A bunch of messianic fogies convinced my family to give up their only child for the good of mankind. I have no memory of my parents and no idea where I’m from. I was taken to a secluded environment in the mountains. The academy had no technology and no scope for a social life. My teachers were as emotionless as rocks and ensured we emulated them. It sucked, to a great extent, but I don’t regret it. I developed skills that few human beings could dream of. And, yes, it was worth it in the end.

That sounds like a hard childhood! Even so, I’m sure you have a few cherished memories.

The young Lightbender wasn’t too fond of his childhood. My teachers tortured our minds and bodies in the name of resilience. But when I look back, I miss hang gliding in the mountains, making strawberries from thin air and, in a masochistic way, pushing my body to the extreme. I developed a rich inner world that sustains me to this day.

What do you do now?

I’m an illusionist. It’s not as complicated as it sounds. I’m aware of the illusion of duality and pierce the veil if needed. Some say I perform miracles, but it’s hard work and practice, really. I’m a healer, one who wanders the world serving the afflicted in war and natural disasters. My toolkit comprises herbs, acupuncture needles, my hands and a sleek hang glider. Occasionally, I use my hang glider to get out of sticky situations.

I’m curious to know about your latest adventure. Which part of the world are you in?

My latest adventure is trying to avoid adventure as far as possible. I’ve been stranded in sieges and riots, famine and landmine-infested regions. I’ve walked into a massacre, for God’s sake! Sadly, I have a feeling I’m going to get myself into trouble again—but only if I visit the borderlands. There’s a reason I’ve avoided them like the plague all these years. I’ve been stuck in Capherayna for a while and can’t get myself to leave.

Continue reading “The Lightbender (of Safe Passage, by Karen Menezes)” →
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Joe and Carolyn (of Wallflower Pen Pals, by K. L. Estrada)

Dear readers, tonight we are hosting an interview of the famous American couple known as the Wallflower Pen Pals. This couple wrote letters to each other before they fell in love. We are bringing the book’s characters back to life during the time they were first writing to each other.

In tonight’s double interview, we are going to interview them separately, asking similar questions. Please note they cannot see or hear each other’s responses.

Tell us a little about where you grew up. What was it like there?

Joe: Well, I grew up in a small town in New Mexico. I loved it there as I enjoyed the many festivities where everyone knows everybody.

Carolyn: I was born and raised in Belen, New Mexico. Most of my relatives are from there. The people there were all so very friendly. We moved to California because my father landed a job there. If it weren’t for that, I would still be living in my hometown.

What are your happiest childhood memories?

Joe: I had a cat named Buddy that I raised myself. He would ride with me on my bike and go everywhere with me. I also enjoyed old classic cars since I was 16 years old. My brothers and I would cruise around town to show them off to the girls.

Carolyn: My cherished memory as a child was riding my horse, Baby. I really babied him, ha-ha! Anyway, I had to share him with my brother, but I cared for him as I was the oldest. I didn’t mind it because I loved riding him. He took care of me, and I took care of him!

What do you do now, Joe?

Joe: Well, I am currently stationed in the army in New Jersey. I drive a two-and-half-ton truck as I transport missiles and weaponry from one base to another. I also transport troops and perform other military duties, which I cannot disclose for obvious reasons.

Carolyn, we heard you are still in high school. Why are you still there at your age?

Carolyn: Yeah, I’m embarrassed that I am still in high school. But that’s because my father’s job has moved us from place to place and I was absent a lot from school because my mother was so ill all the time. I have many responsibilities as I am the oldest and my mother’s “right-hand” (so to speak). I wish I were working by now to help my father with the bills, but they insist I finish my education as that’s important to my heritage.

Joe, what did you first think when Carolyn wrote the first letter to you?

Joe: Well, it was amazing how she had the courage to send me a letter to someone she didn’t even know. Luckily a friend of hers knew about me and mentioned that I was lonesome for a pen pal. As it turns out, we have a lot in common, so we are still writing to each other. Even though she has a steady boyfriend, I think she is falling for me. I hope so because I am smitten with her.

What was the worst thing that has ever happened in your life?

Joe: Well, the worst thing was when my father never came home. I did not know what happened to my dad until I was older. Then, I learned that he was hit and killed by a train.

Carolyn: The worst thing that happened to me was when I got pneumonia as a child. I thought I was going to die. Somehow, I was cured, but I can’t remember too much, as kids usually block terrible things from the past. 

What is the best thing that ever happened in your life?

Joe: Oh, that’s an easy question to answer as the best thing was receiving a letter from a sweet girl I didn’t even know.

Carolyn: The best thing that has ever happened in my life is happening now! I think I am falling for my current pen pal. He seems to know me better than any man I have ever dated! Although we haven’t seen each other in person yet, I know so many details about him through the letters. I have never had anyone write to me for this long. I think he’s falling for me, too, based on some of the things he writes.

Tell us a little about your friends.

Joe: I have friends from all over the place because I am in the army. But most of my friends are from my hometown of New Mexico. Now I have a lovely friend from California whom I can’t wait to meet.

Carolyn: Well, I have three best friends from high school who are all females. Although, I have a new best male friend that I am writing to right now, and I can’t wait to meet him someday.

What’s your favorite kinds of food to eat?

Joe: I love eggs and sausage for breakfast. And for supper, I love hot chili beans and tortillas.

Carolyn: Well, I mostly love fruit. I know that sounds boring, but I’ve always been a fruit lover since I was really little.

What are your favorite hobbies?

Joe: My favorite hobbies are carpentry and photography. But I have a new hobby which is writing to a pen pal.

Carolyn: I love to sew, cook, read, and write.

Joe, what does the future hold for you?

Joe: As soon as I am discharged from the army, I plan to move to California and find work there.

Can you share a secret with us, which you’ve never told anyone else?

Joe: Well, I guess my secret is about to be exposed. But I have fallen in love with my pen pal, Carolyn. She made me promise from the letters not to mention the “L” word until we meet in person. So I secretly write “I love you” under the stamps before mailing my letters to Carolyn.

Carolyn: As far as my secrets go, they stay with me and my diary.

K. L. Estrada‘s writing career began back in 2010 after her first self-published work. Since then, she has explored different writing genres and created an epistolary book of her parents’ letters which just launched! Competing with the sea of bestsellers out there, Katherine hopes to push literary boundaries with a true story romance.

You can find Joe and Carolyn on the pages of Wallflower Pen Pals.

Join us next week to listen in on a conversation between a government agent and the magically-talented boy who changed his life. Please follow the site by email (bottom-right) to be notified when the next interview is posted.

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Anna Belko (of Wrong Place, Right Time, by E.B. Roshan)

Dear readers, tonight we listen in while the protagonist – Anna, a young factory worker – is  having tea with her husband’s aunt, Oxsana. All she wanted was a quiet cup of tea, but an unexpected encounter blooms into new-found love that changes her life.

OXSANA: (sitting down opposite Anna and pouring a cup of tea.) Oh, Anna—I’ve been wanting to do this ever since Boris first told me you were the one for him. I feel that I don’t know you at all, really. Could you tell me a little about yourself?

ANNA: (dipping a cookie into her tea) Well, I was born here in Dor. You knew that, right? I wish I could remember it when it was beautiful.

OXSANA: You don’t remember anything from before the war?

ANNA: My very first memory is of Mama making me lie down in the bathtub and pushing a mattress over the top. Because of the rockets. It was dark, and the tub was icy cold. I was so scared—too scared to cry, even. Ilya and Bogdan and Radoslav hid under their beds, but Mama didn’t trust me to stay put!

OXSANA: She wanted you safe.

ANNA: Of course. (Pours herself more tea.) That makes it sound like I had a horrible childhood, but I didn’t. Our house had a big, beautiful back garden, and my brothers and I were always kicking a football around it, or climbing the apple tree and getting onto the roof of the neighbors’ shed.

OXSANA: Well, I’m sure having so many older brothers made things interesting.

ANNA: (laughing) Oh, yes! I was a tomboy growing up—Mama didn’t know what to do with me. I did have a doll , named Ilona after the great-aunt who gave her to me, but as any girl with only brothers can tell you, all the really fun games don’t involve dolls.

Continue reading “Anna Belko (of Wrong Place, Right Time, by E.B. Roshan)” →
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Drake Michaelson (of Rage of the Phoenix, by Elizabeth N Harris)

Dear readers, tonight with me is a biker, telling us about his riding club and about the woman he loves.

Tell us a little about where you grew up. What was it like there?

My world was loud bikes, loud men and brassy women. My da loved the biker life and when he and a few others created Rage MC, they created a thing of beauty. We weren’t about trouble back then, we had the rules of, brothers, club and family. My da wanted to create a club where like minded people could ride free. Rage rode free when my da was president. Rapid City was growing fast and other clubs tried to muscle in, there were fights, can’t be lyin’ about that but we weren’t criminals then. Not when Da run it. My childhood was love and laughter, a kids should be ya know? I miss my da, always will, Axel comes close but he’s not my da. But hell if Axel ain’t the closest thing to a da I have left.

Did you have any favourite toys as a child? Any cherished memories?

Motorbikes, always motorbikes. I grew up with a wrench in one hand and a jack in the other! Da and I loved building bikes together. We took somethin’ ugly and made it beautiful. Sunday’s in our back yard with scraps of metal and pieces of bikes around us, followed by a cook-out and a few brothers. I remember bein’ about five and it was Christmas, tree and house lit up. I came downstairs Christmas morning and da was doing his famous breakfast, bacon, eggs, sausage, fried bread, tomatoes and mushrooms. Da could cook! After breakfast da gave me this present. I still got it, Phoenix found it the other day and blast if my woman didn’t well up, but it was a toy tool set. My very own miniature set just like da’s.

What do you do now?

Now I’m President of Rage MC after strugglin’ to get it clean. We’re clean and free of the dirt in our past. We bled to get Rage clean and it’s gonna remain that way. I own and run the garage, own the land the garage and clubhouse are built on, own the parts store. I own the Rage MC shop where we sell a little bit of Rage, clothing etc. I and my brothers also own the bar we share with my cousins club Hellfire MC. I ain’t greedy. Once the garage, parts store and shop were up and running, I piled the profits into Rage. Every brother gets a share. We’re all equal. With our designer bike business we got money coming in. No need to get our hands dirty again.

What can you tell us about your latest adventure?

Where do I start with this one? Getting Phoenix to be my woman and then making her safe. I messed up. Screwed up bad ya know? Blast if that woman isn’t something, bullets flyin’, knives cuttin’ and she gives me grief and then kisses my face off. Now she’s knocked up, if that don’t keep her outta trouble nothing will! Watching Phoe come into her own, watchin’ her grow strong and share her love, that’s a miracle, an adventure in itself. My woman heals those she touches. So much love in her. She amazes me, and her ex never beat that outta her.

Continue reading “Drake Michaelson (of Rage of the Phoenix, by Elizabeth N Harris)” →
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David Grey (of the Battle Avatars series, by Ed White)

Dear readers, tonight with us is a man on his deathbed. His only hope for a cure is to quit his job and enter a fantasy computer game full-time, where he must battle murderous invaders threatening to devastate the lands.

Tell us a little about where you grew up. What was it like there?

I grew up in Connecticut, with my older sister, mom, and dad. Winters are cold and summers are mild, full of games and adventures I played with my best bud Jonesy and our neighborhood friends. Our neighborhood wasn’t in Connecticut, it was anywhere we wanted it to be—alien worlds, vast jungles, lost civilizations, and home base. My house tended to be where everyone gathered and I was inside that we played our video games, thanks to a sweet setup built by my dad. From the ancient portal of my living room, we entered even more far away worlds, whether they were in a galaxy far, far away, or in a virtual world—which became all the rage as we left for college.

Did you have any favorite toys as a child? Any cherished memories?

Action figures were on the way out when I was born, so Jonesy and I pretty much played video games, watched movies and anime every chance we got.

Our favorite game to play was the Rebel Lion: we started when we entered college and played the entire time. Sadly, life gets in the way and we don’t see each other much anymore.

My sister and I are very close. My dad—an IT guy—would find us hacks online to use in our video games. He didn’t play very much, but said his friends played tabletop games when they were young. My mom is a retired reporter, she would travel for stories, but I don’t remember her being away that often—maybe because I was playing games so much and with dad’s tech, she was always in contact with us.

Some of the best memories are playing Rebel Lion in VR—that just seems timeless, not the because of the virtual reality, and even if they say time flies when you’re having fun. My childhood seemed to have been forever, but that was eighteen years—we were only in college four years and it felt longer, much longer. Those were good times.

What do you do now?

Ugh.

What I did until a few days ago, was work as a salesman for United Foods. The company was bought by a larger corporation and I saw that as my opportunity to get the hell out of there, taking a job with the Conglomerate for Gaea’s Greater Good. They run the Lenscape Online Game and took me on a probational role as a game moderator, within the Lenscape, looking for hackers. I didn’t trust them at first, still not sure about them, but I’m sick and they’ve promised a cure by cultivating (channeling life force) to purify my body from within Lenscape.

What can you tell us about hunting hackers?

These “hackers”, they’re not hackers. Something else is going on. How does cultivating inside a game like a Kungfu master heal my body in the real world? I’m not sure how I’m supposed to find the hacker or hackers, but I’m enjoying the ride—battling random monsters and a whole mess of ice-age creatures. That’s right up my alley: exploring the ancient Earth during the twilight years of Atlantis. Megaliths and standing stones, ley energy and mythic creatures are a passion of mine—I’ve got tons of books on it, brought home by my mom from her trips.

Continue reading “David Grey (of the Battle Avatars series, by Ed White)” →
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Morag Murray and Rod Campbell (of Oddjobs, by Heide Goody and Iain Grant)

Dear readers, tonight we print a psychiatric assessment of the two protagonists from a novel we loved. With their job entailing rescuing the world from other-dimensional horrors on a weekly basis, it’s no wonder they need regular psych evals.

Assessor: What’s your name?

Morag: You don’t know my name?

Assessor: You’ve been through a traumatic incident. We want to assess your mental state. Just give us some details — name, where you’re from — that sort of thing.

Morag: They do this to you, Rod?

Rod: Oh, aye. Every time I go toe to toe with an unspeakable horror from another dimension.

Morag: [huffs] Fine. Morag Murray. I’m from Inverness, Scotland. I moved down to Birmingham at the beginning of this week. A promotion of sorts.

Assessor: Of sorts?

Morag: There were some problems in the Edinburgh office. I pissed off the wrong god. You know how you can sometimes say the wrong thing at the wrong time?

Assessor: A social faux pas.

Morag: Exactly, except this one involved a shotgun and the face of a demi-god. Both barrels.

Assessor: But you now work in the Birmingham office?

Morag: Correct. Birmingham consular mission to the Venislarn. You’ve got a city full of demons and faceless terrors, all under the surface. We’re just here to keep them happy and tucked out of sight.

Assessor: How has your first week on the job been?

Morag: [considers the state of her clothes] Well, I’m covered head to toe in a thick layer of chocolate. I wasn’t expecting that when I started the week.

Rod: You fight with a god in a chocolate factory, there’s gonna be some chocolate, right?

Morag: I see you survived the night without a delicious chocolate coating.

Rod: One of the first things they taught us in the SAS: how to avoid getting covered in chocolate.

Assessor: Your first week…?

Morag: Let’s see. Is this some sort of test to see if a fight with Zildrohar Cqulu has given me concussion? Er… I pretty much hit the ground running this week. That’s one of my key strengths. I can adapt to new situations quickly.

Rod: You mean you rush in without thinking about things.

Morag: Hey. I’m impulsive. But that can be a good thing.

Rod: Oh, aye. If you hadn’t flung yourself in, we’d never have caught that Kervy Aldo character.

Morag: Kerrphwign-Azhal.

Rod: Right. Kermit Ascot.

Morag: Kerrphwign-Azhal.

Rod: As I said…

Assessor: Who is Kerfin Edsel?

Rod: Curtain Aswad.

Morag: Kerrphwign-Azhal. A god. A little one. A godling.

Rod: A giant vampiric starfish. We chased him halfway across the city. He eats virgins’ hearts and was feeling peckish.

Continue reading “Morag Murray and Rod Campbell (of Oddjobs, by Heide Goody and Iain Grant)” →
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The Audit Team (of The Good Audit, by CP Aiden)

Dear reader, tonight we have something unique for you. The Good Audit happens to be one of the most hilarious, poignant books about corporate life we have ever read, laughing and crying at the same time. We had therefore invited the heroes of the audit, the brave team of The Accounting Firm, to audit our own blog.

You will be getting an unparalleled view into our audit, with a privileged view into what they say out loud vs what they put on messenger. Also, you’ll get used to the HR-based addressing of people as resources in no time.

Three members of an exceptional audit team from The Accounting Firm show up at The Blogger LLC’s office at 9:00 a.m. sharp.

Blogger:  Welcome! Come in!

The team enters a small but swanky conference room, drop laptop bags, and set up.

Blogger: I’m so happy you could squeeze me in. I really need my blog audited. Your opinion and signature verifying my follower count will go a long way to building trust in my number of followers!

Manager: We are very excited to be here.

Staff 2: This certainly beats the last conference room we had!

Senior Manager (SM): We hope to be as efficient as possible – our profit margins are better the faster we are. That one special piece of paper with our opinion and signature is really the only reason anyone pays us. Amazing how much we can charge for it really.

Blogger: I agree. I’m surprised you stay so busy with fees like that… You said on the phone you’d just wrapped up on another client. How did that go?

Manager: Yes, we finished our audit of a company called Widget Maker last week! The company itself was not very exciting, but our team experience took us on so many wild and unexpected turns. I would say what we learned about each other as a team was life changing.

SM: The company makes widgets used to create gadgets.

Staff 2: And messes! It was a miracle we ever got done! They were so incompet—

SM (interrupting Staff 2): It was a great learning experience.

SM turns to Staff 2 and adds, “for EVERYONE!”

Staff 2: Yeah, like learning how to fix everyone else’s problems and how to cover up a bunch of—

SM (interrupting Staff 2 again): They were a first-year client. It typically takes a little time to ramp up when we start a new client. We did find several errors, but our interactions with the client team was where the real fun was. Manager even managed to get large pay raises for a couple people over there.

Staff 2: We also managed to get Office Manager fired, but they rehired her, so it worked out.

Manager gets on instant messenger:

Manager pinging Staff 2: Generally, it is not a great idea to talk bad about other clients in front of new clients. It gives them the impression we talk bad about all our clients.

Staff 2 pinging Manager: Don’t we?

Manager pinging Staff 2: That’s beside the point. We don’t want them thinking we do.

Manager: Yes. We sharpened our skills at finding errors, we attended to CFO’s request to get the legal department in trouble, we learned quite a bit about plumbing, and we even made a little money selling concert tickets online!

SM: We were also able to charge Widget Maker extra fees. Extra fees get us better performance reviews within The Accounting Firm, so we always try to get more.

Blogger: Well, I’m a new client and we only have this morning, so I hope this goes well. Before we start, I would like to know a little more about you. Would you mind telling me about yourselves?

SM: Sure. I’m SM. I’ve been with The Accounting Firm for about 10 years now.

Manager: Don’t tell him about your JOB. Tell him about YOU!

SM: Is there a difference? (long awkward pause) I guess my ‘fun facts’ can be that I have dogs and do well when I’m hopped up on energy drinks.

Manager: That’s better. Way to branch out SM. I’m Manager. I have a super-hot wife and 3 little kids. I’m teaching my 10-year-old how to trade stocks. He made almost as much net income as Widget Maker this year (which isn’t saying much) and we are having a great time. I also like all things outdoors, except the time I had to go clear up to the middle of nowhere to count huge piles of clay they use in chocolate bars. Yes, you eat dirt.

SM: Manager, Partner doesn’t like it when you talk about your family in front of clients.

Manager: Good thing Partner isn’t here. My wife and kids love me and would love to see more of me.

Blogger: Well, with that, let’s move along with the audit then, shall we? How exactly are you going to audit my blog?

Staff 2 pinging Manager: I didn’t get to introduce myself.

Manager pinging Staff 2: Get over it.

Manager: Well, we basically need to make sure that what you say on your blog is true and accurate. We focus particularly on numbers, not so much on the text.

Staff 2 pinging Manager: Fine. We can’t focus on much else. It is all a bunch of made up Sci-Fi and Fantasy. How are we supposed to validate any of these posts? There’s only one post on the main page that has any numbers and those are Guest 1 and Guest 2. The only real number on here is the number of followers.

Manager pinging Staff 2: Most of the numbers we audit at all our clients are made up. Think of how much was made up at Widget Maker! Those guys were guessing on practically everything and they weren’t even educated guesses!

SM: I do have to say, this is the best blog I’ve read all year!

Manager pinging SM: You work over 60 hours a week year-round, even on vacation. This is the ONLY blog you’ve read all year!

SM pinging Manager: Still makes it a true statement, doesn’t it?

Manager: I believe you wanted us to verify the number of followers. We’ll need to understand what people need to do to subscribe and how that gets tracked. Is there anything else you needed us to do?

Blogger: That is correct, and given you charge by the hour, I think we’d better get going!

Staff 2: I just subscribed, and the number of followers went from 39,038 to 39,039.

Manager: I subscribed and then unsubscribed (don’t worry I will subscribe again – my son could use a lot more Fantasy and Sci-fi in his life. Unfortunately, with me gone all the time, his childhood is becoming the home-school of hard knocks). The count went up and then back down again.

SM: Well, it seems like everything is working then. We’ll just call Partner and get his signature.

Blogger: Wait! That’s it? I thought you’d grill me about my awesome database and tracking system. I thought you’d confirm with some followers that they actually did follow the blog and get the newsletter! I thought you’d actually do something!

SM: We could do all that, but your fee would quadruple. I thought we discussed earlier how it is just our letterhead and signature you were after.

Manager: I just got the newsletter. So exciting – it looks fabulous!

SM: I guess we just confirmed on the newsletter. Look at that! We did extra work. I’d like to charge you extra for it, but my newly found conscience is telling me not to. However, I’m expecting your client satisfaction survey to reflect extremely high marks!

Manager: Staff 2, will you please write the 20-page summary memo detailing ALL the procedures we just did and send it to us for review?

Staff 2: You got it boss!

SM: Partner just confirmed we are good to go! Another great audit down and more fees for the Firm – what a fabulous day!

Blogger: Thanks for coming out and taking care of my audit today! Great to have this all wrapped up so quickly. What is next for you?

SM: Partner also said that Widget Maker just called back and they have some issues with a potential buyer and the financial statements we audited. We’ll be going back there to check it out tomorrow.

Manager: Sounds like a potential restatement. Those are always fun – tons of overtime hours to repeat what we just did thanks to the client screwing up! Buckle up Staff 2. We are in for a long ride ahead.

Staff 2: I thought I was going on vacation next week?!

SM: True. That is what you thought.

C.P. Aiden is an experienced corporate accountant with 14 years of corporate accounting and people interaction. Eight of those years took place at large public accounting firms. C.P.’s vast experience dealing with clients and teams provides all the fuel necessary in imagining up and creating his debut novel, The Good Audit.

You can find the audit team on the pages of The Good Audit.

On a personal note, this is one of the funniest books we’ve ever read. If you’ve ever been exposed to corporate life (accounting or otherwise), we’d urge you to go read it! A full review has just been published on our sister blog.

Join us next week to hear from a protagonist’s mother, talking about cold war spies and magical rings! Please follow the site by email (bottom-right) to be notified when the next interview is posted.

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