Dear readers, tonight we bring you a reality show from an alternate reality, one where the human home world comes together under a constitution based on the Iroquois Federation. Our guest is here to speak about interplanetary conflicts, as a race of alien shapeshifters is intent on using people as a food source.

Welcome to the season premiere of Lalololalo’s Celebrity Show. Over the past forty years, you’ve known me as the gossip master who interviewed wallscreen actors, hologram designers, pressure tournament champions, and the like. Well, today, I’m the luckiest woman on the planet Valchondria, because the Top Maintainer herself is my special guest, Admiral Nil! Tell us a little about yourself, Admiral.

As you mentioned, I am Admiral Nil. As the commander of the Maintainers, I keep the world safe.

How would you describe the Maintainers to people who don’t know?

That’s a disturbing thought. We are a combination of military and police on the human home world, Valchondria. We guide Valchondrians in their daily lives, to keep them safe from disrupters and heavy hazard thoughts.

Did you have any favorite toys as a child? Any cherished memories?

I had many toys, and I organized them in my room according to size and cuteness. Larger was always cuter. That was before the time when everyone regained the ability to see in color, but I imagine the largest toy was more brown than the gray shade I saw. It was a hiliate, a huge crustacean that our Valchondrian ancestors kept as pets and a mode of transportation.

My parents knew that I displayed the superior genetic code of someone who could attend one of the elite academies that train the Maintainers. They even knew, somehow, I would one day lead the Maintainers. I talked of little else, though I eventually found a boyfriend and told him we would become married one day. My spouse is very ill now, and our son is the only comfort in my life. No, my job is the truest comfort, but I do love my spouse and my son. They are treasures.

What can you tell us about your latest adventure?

While we’re facing a deadly outbreak of influenza, a spaceship is on a trajectory to Valchondria. As your audience hopefully knows, we outlawed contact with anyone outside our atmosphere years ago, because one of our ships of colonists encountered a hostile alien race called the Naadloosh, while our other ship of colonists became so entangled in an ancient religion that they named their colony planet after their supposed holy book, Degranon.

I’m admittedly concerned about the ship that’s approaching. The Naadloosh never found Valchondria. We have a planetary defense system, but aside from the occasional meteor, we have never had a situation that tested its effectiveness. I don’t want to find out how well it can defend us. The Naadloosh slaughtered the colonists immediately. They were just waiting for a chance to attack someone and kill them. We’ve never understood why. It was something about their territory, their area of space. They’re a savage species that only bring death. I shudder at the thought of them finding us.

What is the worst thing about being the Top Maintainer?

People not realizing how much we do for them or how much they rely on us. People need to be more maintained. Dealing with Leader and with the Supreme Science Council is tiresome, but our ancestors thought we should share power with them in separate but equal branches of government. And some of the conspiracy theories you hear about the Maintainers are horrible.

We’ll get back to that thought later, but what is the best thing about being the Top Maintainer?

Our majestic headquarters in Valcine. I personally requested funding and oversaw construction. I also love taking part in civic events, such as weddings or graduations. We always provide security for such occasions, and I like seeing my fellow Valchondrians enjoy the benefits of living in a glorious society that’s built around law and order. Often, we’re able to save people who were in danger because of accidents or criminal elements; it feels good knowing my Maintainers keep everyone safe.

Tell us a little about your friends.

I really don’t have time for friends. I have my work, my spouse, and my son; they’re all I need. Admittedly, I would like to have more people in my life that don’t want or need anything from me, that just want to be around me for my company, but there is a burden to the position I sought. It’s all worth it to me, even if it makes me sad at times. I’d really never thought about all of that before. Let’s move on.

Any romantic involvement?

I believe I just mentioned my spouse.

Whom (or what) do you really hate?

People who aren’t maintained, and people who think it’s all right for others to not be maintained. When I use the term “maintained,” I mean people following a strict interpretation of Valchondria’s laws. Unfortunately, our current Leader has loosened those laws in the name of free speech and scientific exploration. So much for dignity.

What’s your favorite drink, color, and relaxing pastime?

I really don’t have time for all those mind surges, though a tall glass of meda squeezings is nice before bed. Red looks good on me, though, or my spouse seems to think so. I mostly like the grays and blacks of our Maintainer uniforms. Gray is a good, calming color.

What does the future hold for you?

Seeing my son, G’vn, become something great. I hate that he doesn’t have a Maintainer-quality genetic sequence, but he could still be Leader or something else. It’s about time we had a decent person in the office of Leader. G’vn is brilliant and very creative. I could see him becoming almost anything. In fact, it really doesn’t matter that he can’t become a Maintainer. One of us in the family is more than enough. I would probably worry about him all the time if he put on one of our uniforms. It’s a dangerous job, and he is a sweet, gentle soul.

I get the feeling you aren’t especially fond of Leader.

We aren’t friends. She has her ways of doing things, and I have mine. I really hate the way she likes people to call her Taldra, her chosen name. It would be more appropriate for people to call her Dr. Lorfeltez, or just Leader. And she destroyed the virus.

The manufactured virus that took away our ability to see in color and was slowly sterilizing and killing us?

I’m aware of the side effects, but it was also protecting us from other viruses, including the influenza strain that has hospitalized the man I love. She should have consulted with me, and with the Supreme Science Council. That is how things are done, and lives are saved.

You seem upset. Let’s move on.

I don’t get upset, but all right. There’s something else you’ve really wanted to ask me, the real reason for inviting me to your famous chat show.

You know me too well. Can you share a secret with us, which you’ve never told anyone else?

If you’re referring to the hospitals, that’s just one of those conspiracy theories I was referring to earlier. Of course the Maintainers aren’t euthanizing people who elevate the health-care costs in our fragile economy. How long have you been a Gossip master? Can we get back to the real questions? Side that. I’m leaving. Glory.

Well, Admiral Nil just moved her feet off the stage. That doesn’t seem very maintained. Now’s a good time for a word from our sponsor, Mivvy’s Gredga Chips. As the wrapper says, “You can’t silence the crunch.” Glory.

Duane Simolke wrote Sons of Taldra, The Acorn Stories, and the free eBook Degranon. His writing appeared in nightFire, Mesquite, Caprock Sun, Beyond: Science Fiction & Fantasy, The International Journal on World Peace, and many other publications. He lives in Lubbock, Texas.

You can find Admiral Nil on the pages of Sons of Taldra.

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