Dear readers, tonight we reprint a school newsletter from the land of Oz, interviewing two of the main characters.

Hello dear readers, and welcome to another issue of Bullet Point, official newsletter for the Royal Military Academy of Oz! Today we have something very special lined up for you; an interview with Glinda the Good, and her former adversary, Hastur. Let՚s start with a round of introductions. I am Miss Cuttenclip, writer and publisher of Bullet Point.

Glinda: And I am Glinda, Good Witch of the South, Headmistress of the Royal Military Academy of Oz, and protagonist of Casper Hedron՚s Clockwise series. You may have also seen me in Frank Baum՚s Land of Oz series of books. He wrote fourteen of them. My name was even in the title of his last book. I՚d wager not many of you knew that.

Hastur: They՚re baby books. For babies. Don՚t read them.

Cuttenclip: Hastur, care to introduce yourself?

Hastur: Of course. I am Hastur, the King in Yellow, the Unspeakable, Magnum Innominandum, the Once and Future King of Oz. I՚m also the “antagonist” of the book Yellow King of Oz, and have appeared in adult horror novels by HP Lovecraft and RW Chambers. Not for babies.

Cuttenclip: Speaking of babies, why don՚t you both tell us a little about where you grew up?

Glinda: Certainly. I grew up in Quadling Country, the southern region of the Land of Oz. It was just me and my sister, two wandering orphans, but it wasn՚t bad by any means. Oz is a fairy land, full of magic and wonder, and the people who inhabit it are for the most part decent and kind. As children, we heard and read many stories about Zixi, the Witch Queen of Ix, and she became like an idol to us. So much so that we both resolved to become witches ourselves. At the time, Quadling Country was ruled by a beautiful sorceress named Princess Gayelette, and after several failed attempts we eventually convinced her to take us on as her apprentices.

Hastur: I grew up aeons ago, in the frozen wastes of Kadath. *sighs* I remember it fondly. My home was a simply magnificent onyx castle perched atop a mountain range, overlooking tens of thousands of subjects encased in ice, trapped in perpetual torment. You wouldn՚t think that people who were frozen solid could scream, but you՚d be wrong! I used to hang myself from one of the balconies and listen to that enchanting choir of anguish for hours every day. Good times.

Cuttenclip: Err … moving on. Did you have any favourite toys as a child? Any cherished memories?

Glinda: Lord Librasulus Tiddlywinks III. He was a stuffed white rabbit with a red waistcoat and a monocle, given to me by a fairy. I loved that rabbit. One day while we were travelling through Munchkin Country, I lost him to the man-eating plants that grow there. I was still just a child at the time, so I didn՚t know that you could pacify the plants by singing or whistling to them. So there I was, bawling my eyes out over having lost my rabbit, and what does my sister do? She lets herself get eaten by the same plant, then cuts her way out of it from the inside. Out she pops a minute later, completely caked in sticky plant goop, Lord Tiddlywinks in hand, and I hugged her so fiercely I knocked us both off our feet.

Cuttenclip: Aww, that՚s sweet. *clears throat* Hastur?

Hastur: When I was only a few thousand years old – still a toddler, basically – I destroyed a Yithian city and took one of their lightning guns as a souvenir. Afterwards I decided to pay a visit to my brother in R՚lyeh and show him my new toy. Perhaps you can see where this going?

Cuttenclip: Umm, no…?

Hastur: Oh, well, R՚lyeh is an underwater city. Water conducts electricity. *chuckles* So anyway, there I was, shooting everything in sight with my Yithian Lightning Cannon, everyone is screeching in pain and terror, and did you know that lightning can make music? I think humans call it a thoramin, or a zeusaphone, one of those Tesla Coil machines. *laughing* So all through the chaos and … and the screaming, my lightning gun is literally singing! Bweee-wooo! I … I like to think of it as my Melody of Mayhem. *wipes away imaginary tear* I guess you just had to be there.

Cuttenclip: …

Glinda: …

Cuttenclip: So Glinda, what do you do now?

Glinda: Well obviously I՚m a witch. A good witch! Although because of the negative association with the word, I sometimes use the term sorceress instead. I՚m also the ruler of Quadling Country, and I run the new military academy, Glissando. It՚s really more of a school for orphaned girls, though.

Hastur: You՚re training up an army of child soldiers? Nice. I thoroughly approve. Well for the moment I don՚t really do anything, as I՚m officially considered to be dead. But you know the old saying; That is not dead which can eternal lie. I was the tyrannical ruler of Oz for thirteen years, and I will be again.

Cuttenclip: Tell us about some of your friends.

Glinda: I recently befriended a black bunnycat – part rabbit, part cat, just like it sounds – named Ragamuffin. I usually just call him Rags. He՚s sweet and silly, and one day I hope to help him find out where he came from. That՚s a mystery I can personally relate to. Oh, I՚ve also been friends with Prince Quelala for several years. They՚re a non-binary former Prince Charming turned knight commander of my army, with an unfortunate history of abuse with their ex-wife, Princess Gayelette. Then of course there՚s Argenta, the Wicked Witch of the East, who is very smitten with me. I՚m cautiously interested, as she has something of a jealous streak.

Cuttenclip: How so?

Hastur: She violently dismembered her maidservant՚s fiances. Both of them. The first with an axe, the second with a sword. Hilariously, people tend to describe her as the nicest of the four main wicked witches of Oz. I should really look her up one of these days. Perhaps offer her a job.

Cuttenclip: Well, what about you? Any friends?

Hastur: … do minions count?

Cuttenclip: No.

Hastur: Servants? Vassals? Henchmen?

Cuttenclip: Lets just move on.

Hastur: The reanimated corpses of my enemies? I can even make them dance!

Cuttenclip: Glinda, tell us a bit about your conflict with Hastur.

Glinda: It happened around seven years ago, shortly before I became a full witch, so I was still an apprentice at the time. My sister and I discovered a kind of prophecy that foretold Hastur՚s downfall, in the form of a page from the Book of Records. That՚s a book that magically writes an account of everything taking place in the world as it happens. It doesn՚t contain future events, but apparently the page we found was from ten years in the future.

Hastur: The page was very vague, but stated that I would be defeated, and a lost heir to the throne named Pastoria would replace me as King of Oz. It was your classical dark lord dilemma – do I try to prevent this “prophecy” from coming true, and risk inadvertently causing the very events I sought to avoid? Do I take no action at all? I was only too aware that this was a typical no-win scenario for someone in my position, so I knew that something special was called for if I was to have any hope of prevailing. Fortunately I happened to be more than up to the challenge.

Glinda: Of course I wasn՚t just dealing with Hastur at the time. Whilst trying to escort the future king to safety, I ran afoul of other dangers, ranging from an electrical dragon with an enormous ego, to a zombie magician that crawled across the ceiling like a spider.

Cuttenclip: So what would you say was the scariest thing you had to face?

Hastur: Me.

Glinda: … yeah, that՚s fair. Everyone used to believe that Hastur was just a Yookoohoo, a shapeshifting sorcerer specialising in transformations, but he showed us he was so much more than that. He was right there beside us every step of the way, and we never knew it. Even when I thought I had beaten him, it turned out to just be part of his overall plan. At least with a dragon or a zombie you have some idea what you՚re dealing with. Hastur is insidious. He gets under your skin, in your head, he plays mind games with you. I still don՚t really understand what he is, and I՚m not sure I want to.

Cuttenclip: Tell us something, or someone, that you particularly hate.

Glinda: Mosquitoes. They՚re just the worst, aren՚t they?

Hastur: The Swedish. Yes, all of them. No, I will not elaborate. They know what they did.

Cuttenclip: Favourite drink?

Glinda: Lacasa. It՚s a famous Ozian drink that՚s similar to lemonade, but better.

Hastur: Strawberry Sunrise. With one of those little umbrellas. What? Were you expecting me to say something like the blood of my enemies? I՚ve tried that before, it doesn՚t actually taste very good.

Cuttenclip: I think it՚s about time we wrap this up. Let՚s cap things off by asking what your plans are for the future?

Glinda: I՚m currently searching for the Book of Records, as it may hold the key to rewriting the past. If it does, then I intend to use it to save my sister. Unfortunately it seems I՚m not the only one looking for it, and I may have a fight on my hands for possession of it.

Cuttenclip: And you, Hastur; care to let us in on some little secret you may have?

Hastur: Why not? As it happens I have a secret daughter. Her name is Yhtill, and she՚s an adorable little monster. You might even say that she՚s my version of Cthylla, and if you know what that means, then you know you haven՚t seen the last of me yet.

Casper is an unremarkable person who first began reading for fun when they picked up a copy of one of Terry Pratchett’s Discworld novels, and wanted to be a writer ever since.

You can find Glinda and Hastur one the pages of Yellow King of Oz, the sequel to Clockworks of Oz.

Browse our archives for past interviews, or follow the site by email (bottom-right) to know immediately when your new best-book-friend makes an appearance.