Dear readers, tonight we were scheduled to interview the owner of a renowned pest-control service, who helps citizens deal with creatures in their basements, undead haunting their castles, and infestations of goblins and other annoyances (all at better rates and kinder service than rampaging adventurers). Well, we were aiming to — but someone else showed up!

Hello, nice to meet you Eric. You’re a little… shorter than I expected.

Oh, sorry. I’m not Eric. He, um couldn’t make it. There was an emergency. Some oozes have infested a school, and the headmaster needed them out before the human children got back from their holidays.

Right, I see. And who are you?

I’m Squee, Eric’s Apprentice. Nice to meet you.

Are you a…?

A goblin. Yes. Sorry about that.

Please don’t apologise. I’ve just never met a goblin before.

Oh really? That’s odd because there are an awful lot of us. I suppose you don’t go into caves or hire many lawyers?

Not especially, no.

That’ll be it, then. Although goblins can be pretty evil, watch out if you see one holding something pointy. 

Noted. So you work for Eric at Beast Be Gone, Pest Control?

Yes! He’s been my master for a few months now. And let me tell you, he’s the best so far – Master that is. I’ve had more evil masters than I’ve had hot dinners. At least six.

How did you get involved with so many evil masters?

It’s the only real career path for goblins. That’s what my brood mother always said, anyway. You get a roof over your head, free grub, and you get to make a difference. 

Brood mother… where did you grow up, exactly?

All goblins get birthed in a swamp, of course. On account of the dampness.

I see. What was it like there?

Damp.

Did you have any favourite toys as a child? Any cherished memories?

I do miss my brood mother’s rat pie, but besides that, I was glad to leave. Although my skin has been dry ever since. Maybe I’ll go back one day, if Eric will let me.

What can you tell us about your latest adventure with Eric?

Where do I begin? We recently defeated The Dark Master, who had taken over the continent. I’m not 100% how he did it… Eric said something about economics? Anyway, everyone was suddenly an adventurer and there were no farmers or shopkeepers or anything left. So The King got Eric to find out what was going on. Pest control wasn’t doing so well either. All those adventurers cleared the dungeons, so he had no work left. Adventurers make a big mess, you see. Pest control is clean and humane. Adventurers just murder and blow things up. Although we did have to do that to a dragon…

You fought a dragon? Was it scary?

Of course! I hid under a table, mainly. Eric and Rose did most of the hard work. But my vulnerability encouraged them, that’s for sure.

What is the worst thing about working for Eric?

Hmm.. hard to say. It’s so much nicer than working for an evil overlord, I can tell you. He gets grumpy sometimes, but he doesn’t chop you up if you forget to bring the biscuits, so that’s a big plus.

Tell me a little about your other friends.

Oh yes! Eric has another apprentice, Rose. She’s lovely. She’s a Westerner, so she’s got all the gadgets. They sure do make a lot of steam, and I’ve learned not to touch them or I get a burned finger. Then there’s Larry. He’s a mimic. You know, the monster that can turn into the shape of furniture? I sit on him a lot by accident when I have my tea, but he doesn’t mind. He says it’s a compliment.

So what do you do to unwind? 

What do you mean? I’m always unwound when I’m with Eric. Maybe not when I’m being used as bait to lure out hippogryphs…. But if I’m curled up in the stables or mopping the floors or making the sandwiches, I’m unwound!

Can you share a secret you’ve never told anyone else?

I probably shouldn’t be telling you this… but one time Eric asked me to clean out the gutters. The water seemed so delicious and brown I couldn’t resist making a stew with it for everyone. They said it was delicious, but I’ve learned enough about humans now to know that they don’t much like dirt. Which is odd, when you think about it. We’re all made of dirt, after all.

So what does the future hold for you and Beast Be Gone?

Lots more work! Eric says we’re busier than ever. I heard there are lots of zombies popping up in the caves to the north… I bet that’ll keep us busy for a while. Eric says zombies are easy because you just have to walk slightly faster than them, and you’re ok.

Thanks Squee. It was a pleasure to meet you.

No problem! Now which way is the toilet?

Who is A L Billington? Some say he is just a myth, a phantom, a whisper on the lips of a kindly gentleman. Or maybe he’s just some bloke with access to a word processor and too much time on his hands. Who calls them word processors these days anyway? Turns out A L Billington is old enough to use the term ‘word processor’, yet only ironically, which should tell you exactly how old he is.

You can find Squee (and Eric) on the pages of Beast Be Gone.

Browse our archives for past interviews, or follow the site by email (bottom-right) to know immediately when your new best-book-friend makes an appearance.