Dear readers, tonight we bring you an alternative view point — that of the antagonist. He brings us a unique perspective on the world of stand-up comedy, and that of shapeshifting cryptids and catastrophes, and carpet warehouses that make for a witty supernatural thriller.

Tell us a little about where you grew up. What was it like there?

Born and brought up in the Thames Valley in southern England. I shan’t name the town, or I might turn this whole interview into a screed of hate for growing up in a small town when the big city is right on the horizon and you yearn for it but you’re too young.

Did you have any favourite toys as a child? Any cherished memories?

I had a ton of toys. In fairness, my folks were pretty decent; my dad had a good job at Heathrow Airport, my mum didn’t have to work, no brothers or sisters so I got all the attention. I’ve always liked attention. Whether that’s because my parents gave me so much, or whether my parents gave me so much because I craved it, I honestly don’t know. Anyway, I got into acting as a teen, and won a scholarship to drama school, which with my folks’ money was just enough to let me attend. Sadly, I soon found out that most actors and most people in entertainment are massive jerks, and often bent to boot.

Bent?

In every sense of the word. Don’t play the innocent! You know what I mean, mate.

I suppose I do. What do you do now?

You know that too, but I guess I’d better go into detail. I run TheStagedoorJohnny.com – the nonpareil website for British show biz gossip. When I finished drama school I knew I could never be a performer myself, but I’d made a good many contacts and I figured I could use them. And that’s what I’ve been doing all my adult life. Along with ancillary stuff like articles for the red-top tabloids, the odd hasty show biz biography, that kind of thing.

What can you tell us about your latest adventure?

I always have plenty of irons in the fire, but I guess you want to know what I’m prying into right now. Well, you know Jemima Charfield? The fat comedian, who was married to Chaz Singleton out of the Omega Mice? Yeah, her. She bust up with her manager pretty spectacularly not long ago. In public; Jemima’s as bad as Chaz for making public scenes. Her manager, Eddie, isn’t the kind to forgive, or give mercy fucks, but all of a sudden they’re best buddies again, and something stinks to high heaven. I want to know what’s going on, there. I’m convinced there’s a story for my site to be unearthed; a big story.

What did you first think when this came to light?

(Is this bit off the record? Yes? Good.) I reckon she’s blackmailing him. Or something juicy. And I want to know. Only she’s never forgiven me for the hatchet job I did on Chaz while they were married – he was one of my biography subjects, and I landed plenty of blows on her too – and she won’t talk to me. She’s got this snooty cow of a PA, Imogen, and she uses her to block my access.

And she keeps going up to Belsnade. You know, that town in the Midlands, where the Beast of Belsnade is meant to come from. That cryptid, yeah? She hangs out with the local nut cult who investigate it. Says she’s making an episode about them. I don’t buy that. I want to know what she’s really up to, up there.

What was the scariest thing in your adventures?

You having a laugh? Do you want me to say I saw the Beast and it made me brick my pants? Rofl, as they used to say online. I’ve not seen it because it doesn’t exist. Things like that don’t. In my line, you get pretty hard nosed, pretty fast. I don’t scare easy. And if someone tries to scare me, then I just know they have something to hide, and I work twice as hard at ferreting it out.

What is the worst thing about running a gossip site?

I don’t mind some of the stuff that they say’s unethical. The way I see it, I’m in the truth business; people have a right to know the truth, and that’s what I bring them. What I do hate is the hard work. Specially digging into peoples’ dustbins. Christ, the stench sometimes! Especially the ones who have cats. You open the lid and out comes this reek of cat pee. Every time I get that I know it’s gonna be a tough one.

What is the best thing about it?

Frankly? I love getting the dirt on people. I love showing them up for what they really are, especially the ones who act all sanctimonious and trumpet about their charity work and all that. And of course, every time I break a really big scandal, which is about twice a year, it’s my name that’s attached. That always gives me the old thrill of satisfaction, which is silly, but it’s a fact.

Tell us a little about your friends.

I have plenty of people all over the entertainment industry who feed me gossip and revelations, but I’m not about to tell you their names. Well, actually, I’ll mention one. Eddie Drygalski. Jemima’s manager, before this all blew up. He used to be a reliable source; always letting me have snippets. Since he made back up with Jemima, he hasn’t said word one to me. That’s sus. That’s well sus.

Any romantic involvement?

Sadly, being in my line of work doesn’t leave me much time for romance. Also, flying solo means I have the option of charming info out of people. You’d be surprised how good I am at that. But like I said earlier, I went to stage school. I know how to act.

Whom (or what) do you really hate?

I’ve got more enemies than I could name. It doesn’t bother me. Just now, Jemima Charfield and that damn PA of hers are the ones in my cross-hairs. I’m gonna take the pair of them down.

What’s your favourite drink, colour, and relaxing pastime?

I like single malts. No ice. Colour; red, I suppose. Like red top newspapers, haha. To relax… I’ve got a little garden. I love gardening. I love pulling weeds up and eradicating them. Which is what I do the rest of the time, of course, only easier. Weeds don’t fight back. Except nettles, I suppose.

What does the future hold for you?

Give it about two weeks, and then watch the tabloids. I expect you’ll be seeing Jemima Charfield’s ugly face on their front pages. I’d say there’s a fifty percent chance she’ll be arrested, and ninety percent she’ll never work in show biz again.

Can you share a secret with us, which you’ve never told anyone else?

An original question at last! Okay; I’ll bite. You know what I said earlier, about loving the limelight? I’m envious of all those arseholes in show biz, the ones I make a living out of exposing on The Stagedoor Johnny. There’s a part of me still wants to be up there, on stage, doing what they do, getting applause and encores. It’s not going to happen, not now. Not acting as such, anyway. I still hope I might land a tv slot sometime, doing the gossip thing. I’ve been on the box a few times, interviews and so on. I enjoyed that.

When Sandra Bond was aged eleven her school held a mock census. One of the questions was “What do you want to be when you grow up?” She was the only one who put down “novelist”. (Not even “writer”, note; “novelist”.) She spent too many years working as a lawyer and pretending to herself that writing fiction was just a childhood fantasy, but eventually she came to her senses and quit; first the legal community, then London. She now lives once again in her native Staffordshire, UK, drives a little van delivering prescriptions for a pharmacy, and juggles that with writing in her first love, the sf and fantasy genre. Her second novel, The Devil’s Finger, is a comic urban fantasy romance, which aims to hit the spot in book form which Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright have targeted in film.

You can find Liam on the pages of The Devil’s Finger.

Browse our archives for past interviews, or follow the site by email (bottom-right) to know immediately when your new best-book-friend makes an appearance.