Dear readers, tonight with us is a wizard. He is part of an adventuring group (because he’s broke), and he’s here to tell us about dungeons, dragons, quests, and bad attitudes.
Tell us a little about where you grew up. What was it like there?
Well I lived in Trestfall with my parents, two brothers Vine and Berek, and my sister, Shana. It was nice I suppose. My father was a baker and I always hoped to become a baker myself, or perhaps an accountant. Unfortunately, when I discovered that I had the ability to mess with the elements and blew my father’s kitchen to pieces I was shipped off to the local witch, Our Sharon, to be assessed. After that it was off to the Elementalists School for me.
Did you have any favourite toys as a child? Any cherished memories?
I used to have a couple of wooden dolls that I would play ‘entrepreneurship’ with. Essentially one of the dolls would come in and ask for a loan to start up his own turnip producing business. The other was an investor who would advise him that there was no money in turnip production and had he considered killing dragons instead. But it would turn out that the investor had a scam running with the local dragon who, being in on the deal, would lie in wait for the former would-be turnip magnate and eat him. After getting him to sign over all his capital to a Hoard Based Currency System that is.
What do you do now?
Well at the moment I’m involved in a questing group. They are an absolute shower. Andreton, typical warrior, as dumb as rocks, five times as hard and ten times as stubborn. There’s this Ranger, you know, nature type. Noble, brave, clueless. A wretched woman named Daisy, I ask you, Daisy, and she’s a fighter. Watch out for your head, she has a habit of removing them. The Cleric, Valeran, as you can probably imagine has his head so far up his own backside he probably needs an Elixir of Nightseeing just to find his own shoes. And a Rogue, Donalt. He’s always behind you. Doesn’t matter where you are.
What can you tell us about your latest adventure?
So, under absolutely bloody false pretenses I got dragged into this group of sociopathic idiots and now we are faced with angry townsfolk, angry Trolls and angry Demons. I have no idea why but everywhere I go everyone is either very stupid or mad at something, and they naturally take it out on me. God’s save us. Everywhere I go, ‘Why don’t you have a pointy hat?’ or ‘Have you arrived precisely when you mean to? Because you’re bloody late.’ That’s what I get all the time. Look. WITCHES have pointy hats, OK? Wizards can wear whatever headgear they like. And I don’t use a wand either. That’s all marketing. I can point a cake at you and do the same spell.
What did you first think when you found you had demons in your head?
Bloody inconvenient obviously. It goes with the territory of course, ripping apart the very essence of space and time to form incredible spells of elemental fury always carries the risk of Demonic infestation. How Carl, the Cluricaun Demon in my head, got there is fully explained in that dreadful expose of the whole affair, Rocks Fall. Everyone Dies, but Kezra was a whole other kettle of fish… Oh, I’d better not spoiler that. The author’s an arsehole.
What was the scariest thing in your adventures?
Well, I’ve encountered Demons, Trolls, Orcs and all manner of Elemental creatures of the Abyss, but the scariest thing is the sheer level stupid I encounter at almost every village I walk through. It’s as though there’s some kind of weird IQ vacuum at work. Have you read about Mr Wazzel, in the book? The pig trader? He named his daughter Wizzel. I kid you not. Wizzel Wazzel, who names their daughter that? It’s practically child abuse.
What is the worst thing about being a Wizard
The bloody stupid rules. I mean, I’m bristling with a massive charge of elemental energy and I can’t release it in this dimension unless my life is under absolute and immediate threat. How stupid is that? I can’t even spark a campfire with it. OK, granted I’ve been present when a few ‘sparkings’ have gone awry, but that hardly ever happens, mostly. Then there’s the walking. I have to walk EVERYWHERE unless I can circumvent the sodding ‘Owning no transport, Not soliciting rides’ rule. Have you ANY idea how hard it is to get around without a horse and being unable to ask for a lift? No wonder most wizards never leave the Great Cities. They probably don’t have enough shoes to make the trip…
What is the best thing about it?
Nothing. It’s rubbish. I’d rather be a baker.
Tell us a little about your friends.
I don’t have any. I can’t understand why. Perhaps it’s my high standards. I suppose Carl could be sort of a friend, if he wasn’t such a dick to me, and a Demon of course. And Kezra, although she’s as mad as cheese, is kind of an associate.
Any romantic involvement?
Whom (or what) do you really hate?
Those bloody magic resistant Trolls. I mean COME ON. The one time I can actually let my magic go and the Gods damned thing just stands there and stares at me as though I just broke wind in its presence. Want to know what’s worst of all. The tree trunk it was carrying? Well, I set that on fire didn’t I, so now it’s not just going to club me with it, it’s going to club AND burn me with it. They should be culled, the lot of em. Or at least undergo some sort of sensitivity training.
What’s your favourite drink, colour, and relaxing pastime?
I like making bread. There’s something very relaxing about kneading the dough. I imagine I’m massaging sense into someone’s brain. Then I set it on fire.
What does the future hold for you?
If we ever get out of this horrible quest alive I’m going to open my own bakery. I’m going to call it ‘In Corbett we Crust’ and I’ll specialise in breads from each of the kingdoms. Except for the kingdom of Khaffkar, cos their bread tastes like feet.
Can you share a secret with us, which you’ve never told anyone else?
Right, so there’s a rumour that the guy who wrote Rocks Fall is going to complete the story of what happens when, you know the thing with the Gate? Well, after that, he’s going to follow us and let everyone know what happens. Personally, I think he’s just cashing in. I think he’s running out of genres to parody and readers to alienate. I’ll tell you something else as well, he thinks he’s funny.
Yeah, funny like two demons in your head maybe…
Eddie Skelson debuted his writing career with Winter Falls, an ambitious sequel of sorts to Lovecraft’s novella A Shadow Over Innsmouth. While the book was a horror title, readers picked up on the humour and voice employed and the title sold well in the UK and USA. The following story, Crowley: The Ravensblack Affair, began to get Eddie noticed and a dedicated fanbase grew around the tale of a group of unlikely heroes fighting supernatural forces in 1920’s London. In 2018 Superhero City, Eddie’s foray into a dark and cynical alternate history USA was shortlisted for the Arnold Bennet Prize. His first fantasy title, Rocks Fall. Everyone Dies see’s the same wit, cynical humour and passion for the genre follow the exploits of the worst questing group ever as they try to adventure without killing each other first.
In real life Eddie owns a Games Store, is a Marketing Manager and Photoshops people he doesn’t like onto the bodies of other people he doesn’t like.
You can find Corbett on the pages of Rocks Fall. Everyone Dies.
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